I know, I know. It’s been a while (again). I’m definitely still in a weird spot after my mom’s death. September 5th was her birthday. She would’ve been 62, and I still can’t help but feel how unfair it is that she didn’t get more time. The next day, my dad finally had the memorial for her. It was pretty casual. Just family and my friends. I think one of my cousins helped my dad make little poster boards for it (don’t know why I wasn’t asked). They had pictures of my mom and some of her various paintings — she was an artist.
I even got to see her portfolio from art school, which was different from any of her stuff I’ve seen before. She mostly did paintings of animals and houses, but the portfolio had, like, magazine covers or ads.
My dad got an urn for her ashes that came with four mini urns. So, my grandma, my uncle, my sister, and myself were all able to take some of her ashes with us.
After all that, I had several weekends of activities. One week was a trip to the Ren Faire with friends, another was a camping trip, the next was our nephew’s birthday, and finally we went up to Knoebels Amusement Park with my husband’s family. I feel like I wasn’t as fun at Knoebels as I was last year because I was feeling a little depressed. I was really missing my mom for some reason. And it probably didn’t help that about an hour before we left for the trip, my dad texted me to let me know that my aunt with triple negative breast cancer needed open heart surgery — the aunt I feel I’m closest to. Thankfully, she had her surgery earlier this week and is recovering well as far as I’ve been told.
In some ways, I think I’m coming a little bit out of the depression that has been around since my mom’s death. I’ve been crocheting again, doing a lot of reading, and even been writing a little. There are still many ways in which I still need to improve, but I believe this may be a step in the right direction.
Now, onto a light fertility update. I went in for my mock transfer and a SONO. I was told to drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment, which I did. I left the house having to pee SO BAD. I was only about 10 minutes from the house when I pulled over at a gas station to let out some of the pee because I was that close to wetting myself. I went again when I got to the office. Then they had me go a little to do a pregnancy test since they can’t to the mock transfer on a pregnant person. Even after peeing three times, my bladder was full enough for the procedure. I got to let it all out before they did the SONO, which is what they do to check for polyps in my uterus.
And guess what? They found polyps AGAIN. So, doing the next steps to lead up to the transfer had to be pushed back so I could have the surgery to get them removed. This week I go into the office to get my baseline labs and whatnot. I have one of the medications I’ll be taking soon already. I need to call and try to get the other filled. The pharmacy had called me, but since everything got pushed back I didn’t bother to call back, so I need to see if I can still get it or need another prescription. I’m going to need to give myself an intramuscular shot probably every day leading to the embryo transfer. That’ll be fun.
Hopefully, everything will go well with the medications, and my lining will be where they want it to be. If so, they’ll do a transfer in early November. I really hope it takes. They say my embryos are good, but they may not attach to the lining. And then there’s always the possibility of miscarriage. If I do have one, I know it won’t be my fault, but I know I’ll be devastated. Probably more so than if I don’t even end up pregnant. It’ll just make me feel like the universe is telling me I’m not meant to have a child. I know I’ll cry for, like, a whole ass day. If I don’t get pregnant, I’m thinking I’m going to wait until after the holidays to try again. But let’s hope for the best, huh?
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