Gabby Writes

So. Yesterday was a day with a lot of emotion. I did even more crying after my husband went to bed and I didn’t have a distraction.

I think posting a blog helped. When I feel super sad I always need a way to get it out. I’m not so good at verbally expressing my emotions, so writing it all down kind of releases it for me.

I do believe it was a combination of things that caused my reaction. First, I was anxious all day waiting for the call about the test. I was already on edge. Second, even though I know I’m going to take the next steps to have a baby, it’s kind of disheartening to get a negative test three times in a row. Finally, I might not have fully let myself feel my mom’s loss before. It’s been a little over a month, and this was the first time I just needed my mommy. I was able to accept that she wasn’t going to be at my wedding because I saw her condition getting worse. And I’m prepared to be emotional when I eventually do get pregnant, because I always imagined sharing everything about it with my mom and that she would be with me when I gave birth. I don’t think I ever imagined needing her while I was trying to get pregnant. It was a difficult realization.

I’m still going to go through with IVF because this is the one thing I’m sure I can’t give up on. I’ve never really been that determined for anything before. Right now I just don’t think I can get excited or hopeful while going through the process. The let down will probably hurt even more.

It sucks a little, because even if I do get pregnant, I’m going to be so terrified of miscarrying. It’s always a possibility, and my mom had two miscarriages. So, I have to watch out.

It’s hard to believe that all of this is so easy for some people.